feelingArticol scris de Alexandru Băra | IMPULS, nr. 1

F e e l i n g s

The thing with the feelings spinning in my funny little head is that I tend to mistake simple things for complicated ones and the other way around. The only thing that I am and will be sure of is that deep inside my half-empty soul I know everybody deserves better than me. I have no confidence in myself but I have tons of it for you, for every single one of you. I am truly confident that somehow, someday you can make the difference in this world that I can only dream of.

I love you… but I hate it. I hate loving you, I hate caring about you. I want to see you fulfil you dreams, your desires and I swear to any God, to every God, I’ll do anything if I can to help you accomplish want you want, but I’m afraid that’ you’ll feel something about me. I’m afraid because the only thing I can offer is disappointment. Don’t you see?! I’ve lived my whole life for others and I’m happy with it, but I simply cannot bear the thought you’ll ever wish to give me something in return. I cannot love. I just exist. I’m sorry my emotions are not sublime, or deep, or whatever… “You need to be happy to live, I don’t.’”

B l a c k    and    W h i t e

Dark.  Tough not a hollow, scary, cold one, but a comforting dark. The type of dark whose black colour just highlights white’s purity. And the noise… a continuous background sound… like drum which plays the same dull beat on and on, forever. It intensified every touch, every sensation… But, wait! It was a lot deeper than that. It messed with my very feelings and my state of mind, mixing  completely different emotions like fear and calm, creating new, more refined ones… emotions so subtle and delicate that humanity doesn’t even have names for. No words to express their warmth.

            But then there were the cold and the wind… And I was standing in the middle of the storm as the wind screamed and howled. The sea was roaring next to me and I realised that waves didn’t just splash the shore as usual, they seemed to explode and I could almost feel their sound hitting my soaking wet skin… I could feel the goosebumps that the huge drops of rain were giving me. And, God, they were plenty of them, too. They kept coming and coming, in thick, abundant waves, brought by the furious wind… they were racing around me, spinning in a mad contest, a battle of the cold water to conquer every single part of my body.

            Still, something was missing. And I was wondering why was it taking so long for the picture to be complete. But I never finished my thought. Because I sensed it… one of the most beautiful form of natural violence, of pure power: the almighty lightning. It all began with a tremendous thunder, deafening my ears and, for a moment, stopping my heart right in the middle of a beat. I closed my eyes instinctively and I waited. Rain was pouring down my face. The sound slowly faded away and then, it finally died in the background symphony. An eternity passed and nothing had happened… I opened my eyes slowly. Just in time to see how in a blast of almost blinding light the sky was furiously sticking two enormous, deformed, impossibly white fangs into the restless sea. The dark night made the water look so black… just as if  the clouds sucked every drop of blue out of it and replaced the colour with its malicious darkness.

            But, sweet Lord, it was so beautiful, so majestic, so exquisite. For that fraction of a second everything stopped. You could see the light reflecting in every single drop of rain, the endless shades of grey, from the blinding white of the lightning itself, which rather looked like a crack in the very fabric of time and space, to the dark black whose nothingness could have been compared with that of a black hole. It was like a small quasar ( except it didn’t have the mass of a million billion suns and it didn’t eat galaxies for breakfast, devouring time, light, space and matter…), a perfect combination between heaven and hell.

            And as I stood there, right in the center of nature’s fury, I asked myself: “Why the hell is taking that taxi so long to get here?!”